Tokyo, Japan. March 4, 2016 
For Immediate release:

“Steve” Mikimoto of Nikon’s professional imaging division announced this week that Nikon will be preemptively recalling both the D500 and D5 cameras nearly a month before their actual scheduled release. While neither camera has evinced any technical problems to date the company wishes to prevent another episode such as the “oil and garbage” on the sensors of recent product, the D600; and also the repeated and inconvenient recalls of the popular D750 cameras, with their sensor shading lens mounts.

“We made the decision to preemptively recall most of our professional products in order to maintain our high standards.” Claims “Steve”. 

He continued, “While our engineers have found no flaws in either design or manufacturing of the newest products we are certain that our customers will spend every waking minute of every day until they find some sort of minor flaw as regards our latest cameras. We fully intend to actually test and use these new cameras ourselves before unleashing them on the public. To this end we are shipping and then subsequently recalling the cameras in order to be authentically present in the process.”

We may actually put the newest two cameras; the D500 and D5, on to what we now call our “permanent recall list” in order to be prepared for the eventual rush of repairs for things like “nano battery cover texturing failure” and “perceived shutter button torsional flex.” 

Asked for the logic in these steps “Steve” went on to say that having products on permanent recall was an important part of the training process for the legion of customer service call center employees, teaching them to repeat, in dozens of languages,  the following phrases: “This is the first we have heard of such issue!” “It sounds like drop damage to me!” “We’ll need you to send in the body and all your lenses so that we may evaluate your claim.” “Water damage is not covered by our warranty.” “Usage is not covered by our warranty.” “Ownership is not covered by our warranty.”  And our favorite:
“Your camera meets all our specifications and tolerances.” 

Since the cameras will be in permanent recall dealers and customers will not be able to actually buy these new models and are waiting anxiously for the announcement of Nikon’s even newer line, the D510 and the D5mk10. These models are being readied but will be in short supply because the models intended for shipping to countries with strong consumer protection laws are already slated for some sort of …… recall. 

For more information please visit our micro website: nikoneternalrecall.com

Well, I’ll admit I was a little surprised by this move by Nikon. I own several D750s and I have not been able to replicate the issues that have plagued that model but this announcement will motivate me to test every camera I own under ever more rigorous conditions in the hopes that I too will be able to participate in another recall. I have found that yanking the sensor out of the camera and letting it sit on the sidewalk in bright sun for hours has a deleterious effect on its performance. That, and it’s hard to stick back into the body — which I now consider a critical design flaw….

About The Author

P.S. [editor’s note: this is of course totally fake]